Living Intentionally

My anxiety level is at a somewhat high level today and I tried with all my might to breathe; to be with myself in a way that allows me to be present and accept the things that I cannot change about today. I took my kids to school. I had lunch. I tried to take a nap.  Unfortunately, they say those who are the quietest have the loudest minds and my mind was just literally screaming to the point where trying to force a nap was just not beneficial to me anymore.  So, I woke up; turned the TV on one of my favorite channels; HDTV, and amazingly one of my favorite shows was on; Fixer Upper.   I don’t know about you but seeing this show and other interior design shows like it, just relaxes me because I feel that in my future, I will absolutely be experiencing the joy that these people feel when they see the renovations on their homes.   I then began scrolling through my phone and came across an artist, @alexisrakun that posted this picture below.

This picture did something to my spirit.  It gave me the energy that I needed to push me to write this post.  I poured a glass of wine. I joined a Facebook group to help me research something that I’ve been thinking about for months now, and I finally feel like I have some type of control and peace.  Yes, I do have control issues, but I have accepted this about myself and I have realized that this control is me.  This is what makes me unique.  It allows me to not only have moments in my life where the control has to be let go of, but it also provides me the do all to get things done when things need to get done; and I welcome that control.  It is nothing that I will allow anyone to make me feel negatively about any longer!  Especially, from the looks of it; it seems like people around me expect that control as well because I am the one who everyone looks at to get things done.  However, I'm learning to let go of that enabler spirit; that takeover spirit and learn to just chill and let go of the people and the things around me that don't allow me to just chill.  Although, it is incredibly hard when your kids and your husband are some of those people, but we're working on those boundaries.  As long as I have pictures like this that keeps me motivated on this journey, I’m optimistic that we’ll get there. 

One of the words my professors have told me throughout my graduate school journey is that I have great intentionality and a clear uncomplicated point of view of how I express things. I have to admit I didn’t know what my professors meant about intentionality because of course I intentionally said what I said or wrote what I wrote or else I wouldn't have done it.  So of course, I was thinking my professors meant something else.  However, after reflecting on this I realized they meant that I have a purpose, that I am the truth, that I have a clear goal of where I'm trying to go, that I have a clear understanding of whatever principle I am describing or reaching towards.  Mind you I by far do not feel this way at all when I’m presenting in class or submitting my assignments because my anxiety is really out of this world but the fact that these people who have absolutely no idea of my story feel this highly of me says something.  It says that I’m dope; have always been dope and will forever be dope. It's time that I embrace that, and I am in this moment, and I’m motivated to continue doing so.  Here’s to continuing to gain knowledge with intention and love for our bodies, our souls, and our legacies.