Mindfulness

Since starting graduate school I haven't really taken a break. In-between classes we have the option of taking a break and that break can be one week to three weeks or we can choose to not take a break at all. Due to me wanting to complete my degree and start working as soon as possible I have opted not to take any breaks. However, due to my overwhelming responsibilities and the process of starting my clinical work I have decided to take a 3-week break. I'm currently on my second week and I feel that although I have been taking steps to better myself more intensely the last couple of years;  it is in this experience that I just had an epiphany moment. I have a better understanding of why those steps were so extremely vital to my journey right now. I have been feeling extremely anxious and unsure about many of the decisions I have made in the last few months; years in fact!  Even though I have grown secure with my decisions.  However, at this very moment I have just realized that those decisions, those steps were necessary not only for my health, sanity, love and respect for myself, my peace, but also for my well-being of being present in my body and this time and space.

I have learned that therapist also need their own therapist. We all have our own set of problems and experiences that we have to deal with that impact the people we are; and that impact can be a negative or a positive one. So on my journey I have had the honor of experiencing several therapist and a few have suggested mindfulness practices to me. I admit, I did not truly understand what mindfulness was until today. Thanks to a podcast app that I just downloaded I have chosen to subscribe to many therapist topics to utilize as resources for myself that may also be beneficial to share with my clients and through my research I have learned that mindfulness means different things to many people.  Therefore, I have gained a bit of compassion for myself for putting so much pressure on self to understand something the way another therapist understands mindfulness to be. I now understand that my confusion on what mindfulness is was because it was something different to me. It's not just shutting my brain down to not think any thoughts.  It's about welcoming those thoughts and being aware that they are there but placing a bit of a boundary on those thoughts and telling them I see you, but this is my focus right now. Its not just sitting still posing like a Buddha.  I have now realized that I have been practicing mindfulness a lot in my relationships, when I cook, when I go for a walk, when I'm shutting off the TV and playing games with my kids, when I'm listening to the birds, when we're trying to have family dinner, when I'm gardening, when I'm drinking a cup of tea. Mindfulness is a awareness and it's a focus on one thing, but also a developed compassion that we're human beings and our minds roam.  That's what they are supposed to do.  I'm now seeing ways that I would like to practice mindfulness with more of an intention; for example it's a habit for me to tell my kids I love you everyday.  However, it has become more of a habit; there's no real intention on it. When I'm saying it, I am making their lunch or I am pushing them in the doorways of their school building or I am turning a direction to head to work or something. Now I see that I have to be mindful in my intent to actually help my children really see that this is a moment of expressed love and not just words.  Furthermore, not with just my kids but also with my husband, my mother, my father, myself. I am so looking forward to the focus that I am sure being intentionally mindful will bring to my life.  Maybe you will be on the same thing I'm on...

Living Intentionally

My anxiety level is at a somewhat high level today and I tried with all my might to breathe; to be with myself in a way that allows me to be present and accept the things that I cannot change about today. I took my kids to school. I had lunch. I tried to take a nap.  Unfortunately, they say those who are the quietest have the loudest minds and my mind was just literally screaming to the point where trying to force a nap was just not beneficial to me anymore.  So, I woke up; turned the TV on one of my favorite channels; HDTV, and amazingly one of my favorite shows was on; Fixer Upper.   I don’t know about you but seeing this show and other interior design shows like it, just relaxes me because I feel that in my future, I will absolutely be experiencing the joy that these people feel when they see the renovations on their homes.   I then began scrolling through my phone and came across an artist, @alexisrakun that posted this picture below.

This picture did something to my spirit.  It gave me the energy that I needed to push me to write this post.  I poured a glass of wine. I joined a Facebook group to help me research something that I’ve been thinking about for months now, and I finally feel like I have some type of control and peace.  Yes, I do have control issues, but I have accepted this about myself and I have realized that this control is me.  This is what makes me unique.  It allows me to not only have moments in my life where the control has to be let go of, but it also provides me the do all to get things done when things need to get done; and I welcome that control.  It is nothing that I will allow anyone to make me feel negatively about any longer!  Especially, from the looks of it; it seems like people around me expect that control as well because I am the one who everyone looks at to get things done.  However, I'm learning to let go of that enabler spirit; that takeover spirit and learn to just chill and let go of the people and the things around me that don't allow me to just chill.  Although, it is incredibly hard when your kids and your husband are some of those people, but we're working on those boundaries.  As long as I have pictures like this that keeps me motivated on this journey, I’m optimistic that we’ll get there. 

One of the words my professors have told me throughout my graduate school journey is that I have great intentionality and a clear uncomplicated point of view of how I express things. I have to admit I didn’t know what my professors meant about intentionality because of course I intentionally said what I said or wrote what I wrote or else I wouldn't have done it.  So of course, I was thinking my professors meant something else.  However, after reflecting on this I realized they meant that I have a purpose, that I am the truth, that I have a clear goal of where I'm trying to go, that I have a clear understanding of whatever principle I am describing or reaching towards.  Mind you I by far do not feel this way at all when I’m presenting in class or submitting my assignments because my anxiety is really out of this world but the fact that these people who have absolutely no idea of my story feel this highly of me says something.  It says that I’m dope; have always been dope and will forever be dope. It's time that I embrace that, and I am in this moment, and I’m motivated to continue doing so.  Here’s to continuing to gain knowledge with intention and love for our bodies, our souls, and our legacies.    

Trust in Gods Plan...Be Calm

I'm baaaaaack!!!!!!!

Click the video to hear what I decided!